The world doesn’t stop moving for anyone…

Well….it’s been a good long while.

 

Last time I felt the inspiration to write, I was in a very different place.

I’d just started a new job; TJR had moved away, and we weren’t speaking; I was distracting myself with the attention of someone who was (and is) very unhealthy for me.

 

I was heartbroken, and hurting.

 

And now, a year later; here I am. Although not heartbroken this time, just fearful. Fearful that we will never get it right. That I will never feel settled. That I will always have this nagging feeling of never feeling good enough.

 

Let me back track a bit.

Last March, TJR and I were barely on speaking terms. He was getting settled at school, but I needed him here. I had big, life changing things happening and what I wanted more than anything was to share that with him. And it seemed as though he didn’t want any part of it. I was desperate to cling on to some hope that we would be okay, that we would make it past that rough patch and find our passion again.

 

St. Patrick’s Day; he blew me off. That was the last straw. Drunk, and lonely, I called my older man. I needed someone to show me I was wanted; that someone saw something in me that they wanted. Him, drunk and horny, of course responded. And I’m sure you can guess how the rest of that night went.

I woke up the next morning, with a body pressed against me that I did not recognize. Regret hung in the air, and nearly choked me to death as a panic attack set in. I’d done it. I’d slept with someone else. I’d betrayed him. There was no turning back. I’d crossed the threshold.

 

The next few months were filled with denial, and seeking fulfillment in all the wrong places. Older man served one purpose. Keep my mind off of TJR, and for a while it really worked. And then reality set in; I wanted love, and older man could never give me that. He could only provide a temporary catharsis that caused me to make poor choices, and wallow in self-pity.

 

I figured TJR had deleted my number, or even blocked me for that matter. So when I texted him in a moment of desperation, I never expected a response, let alone the one I got.

 

“I miss you all the time.”

“I’m back in town. Can we talk?”

 

I took 2 days to answer him.

Should I be going down this road? Shouldn’t I just try to move on? Do I want to open all these old wounds up again?

 

Yes. Because I loved him. And missed him. And a piece of me was missing that only he could put back together.

So he came over. And we fucked. And it was marvelous.

 

We spent every second of the summer together. He was my date to my best friends wedding, and we smiled at each other as he watched me walk down the aisle. Daydreams spinning in my own head of what our wedding would look like someday. We got drunk together at my grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary, and spent 4th of July weekend with his family. We went on our first vacation together in Maine; a weekend I will never forget. We sat under the moon, as it reflected off the water at Perkins Cove, debating whether we would get caught if we had sex right there on the bench.

We were full of passion and it felt like we were never apart.

 

And then reality struck. School was starting again, and he would have to leave me. I cried when he left, and he assured me this was only temporary. Although we didn’t stay apart for very long; he was only gone a week before I took a trip up for a long weekend. We walked down to Lake Champlain and watched the sun set. So comfortable in each others presence; natural.

I made the trip up to see him just about every other weekend in the fall, even spending a full week up there for Thanksgiving. In his tiny little apartment we fit his mom and dad, TJR and I, his aunt and his pepe. I felt like that was a sure sign that he wanted me in his life, and a part of his family.

 

And then more big life stuff happened, and I was forced to move out of my apartment. Of course, the subject of me moving up there came up, and at first he was all for it. He even sent me a link to a job opening in my field right in Burlington. We seemed on the same page…

 

I don’t know what changed.

 

When I pushed the subject further, he rescinded his offer. He said it wasn’t a good idea. He said I should stay put, get some more experience. He didn’t know where he wanted to settle down yet, and didn’t want me uprooting my life with such uncertainty hanging over head.

But was he uncertain about HIS future…..or OURS?

 

As a frequent over thinker, you can only imagine the places my mind went. And how I reacted to his sudden change of heart. The last few months have been painted with tension, and a lack of communication. And my anxiety getting the best of me, which usually manifests in text messages that i shouldn’t send, or a build up of emotions that culminate in a fight.

I’m not sure what to think. Every time I bring up the subject of our future lately he clams up. Get’s angry, even, when I try to push for answers. I’m feeling less and less confident that he feels the same way about me, as I do about him.

 

I know I am holding on too tight, but it’s only because I can feel him slipping away. But the harder I hold on, the more suffocated he feels. It’s a vicious cycle. And I’m afraid it will break us.

 

I love him. With all of my being. I just want to know he loves me too. And then I can take a sigh of relief.

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For you

For you, I’d go to the end of the world

I’d follow you anywhere your heart takes you

You were my sun and moon, and all my stars

but I’ve learned that your intentions were not true

I can’t place all the fault in your lap alone

I let you break me down and abuse me

The cycle should have stopped long ago, I know

at least now my heart can be free

My heart will never let you go completely

a part of you will forever linger in my soul

I’ll cry tears and I’ll smile recalling memories

and maybe one day I’ll again feel whole

The world keeps spinning…

Been a long while…..lots has changed.

 

TJR- he’s gone. All moved up to Vermont, and we don’t even speak. He came home for a visit, and I created a movie reel in my head where we can’t get enough of each other, and we lay in bed all day talking about, well, whatever. But that didn’t happen. Instead I got less-than-passionate sex and the blow off for 3 days. Nothings changed.

He still doesn’t know what the hell he wants, and I know exactly what I want. Perhaps we are soulmates, just not in this lifetime.

 

BUT….cause there’s always a but…

 

Older guy has made a reappearance, and this time we are both riding that single train.St. Patrick’s Day, that’s when I decided I wanted someone who couldn’t wait to see me. He tells me all the little things he likes about me, and calls be baby.

 

It’s nice. Is it forever, I’m guessing not. But it sure is nice to have a smile on my face again.

Beside you

I miss you.

Plain and simple. I just miss you.

Your hugs. Your good morning texts. Our feet tangled together while we slept.

I’ll have a moment of clarity, when I feel like I’m over you. And then a Coldplay song comes on. Suddenly, I remember that I love you. And you can’t just cast that away.

I’ve got this huge news to tell you; and all I keep thinking is how I wish I had your voice of reason to tell me which direction to go. You’d know what to do, you always know what to do.

I wonder sometimes if you think of me at all. When your walking to class, or laying in bed. Do you miss me too?

I want you back in the worst way, in a selfish way.

I know you are doing what you need to do for yourself, and I am beyond proud of you for realizing that dream. I only wish I could be there with you, beside you.

Do you have to let it linger?

All the times my girlfriends came crying to me about a boy, I would make a silent promise to myself that I would NEVER let a guy dictate my happiness. I would never let him take away the things I love, or the people who mean the most to me.

But now…I feel like I’m drowning. People are watching me as they go past; they offer a comforting smile and say it will get better. I try so hard to get back into a routine, but every second of the day I’m busy fighting off thoughts of you. Some days are better than others, but one thing remains the same. I’m only half the person I was when I was with you.

I’ve drafted a text to you a million times, but I always convince myself that some things are better left unsaid. When I try to close my eyes at night, I see visions of you fucking someone else, and another little bit of my heart hardens.

I would still drop everything for you, even after everything that’s happened. I’ll never not love you.

And that pisses me off more than anything else.

Days go by

I get up in the morning, same as always

I brush my teeth, do my hair, apply my makeup

I go to work, I complete all my tasks

I throw myself into anything to keep me busy

I think of you often, but I push the thoughts away

I still pick up the phone to text you

And every time mine goes off, I hope to see your name

Life around me keeps moving

But the days seem just a little bit duller somehow

Everyone tells me to give it time

But I can’t imagine this ache ever going away

Just a few short months ago, you were my forever

Now you’re a stranger

I never imagined it playing out like this

Me crying in the shower, and you ignoring me completely

I want to hate you, I do

But I love you too much

You only know you love her when you let her go…

I loved you; I’m sure of it. For years, I kept you in the back of my mind. I waited for you to find your way back to me. I used you to set the bar for every other guy who entered my life.

They aren’t as tall as him. They don’t give good hugs like him. They don’t smell as good as him. They don’t make me as comfortable as him.

So when the universe threw you back my way, I thought “This is it; it’s finally our time.” I threw all of myself into whatever it was we had. You became my world.

Now you’re gone, and there is no “us”. But you’re still here, for me at least. I’m still clinging to the hope that you will wake up tomorrow and realize how good we had it…how good we could have it.

I would never let anyone else borrow my heart if I thought there was a chance in hell you might want it back. And that scares me. I’m afraid Ill wait around for you. I’ll never be able to move on if your always in the background.

So I need you to let me go. And I need to let you go.

It’s going to be so hard, and if you ask me how I’m going to do it, I don’t have an answer. I will be forever grateful for the time we spent together, and you will always have a special place in my heart; a place no one can touch.

Sometimes you tell someone to never call you again, and then the phone rings and you hope its them—it’s the most twisted logic of all time. – John Mayer

 

 

 

Walk away

I don’t want this love anymore, its become a burden.

I want my life back. I don’t want to want you so much. Why do I want you so much…

I keep thinking that life will get back to normal. Time will move at normal pace again, and I’ll be able to breath. At this very moment, I want to forget you. For my own sake. I want to dislike you, maybe even hate you.

That would be so much easier than loving you.

The funny thing is, part of me wishes you would never text me again. Then I could move on, let go, find someone new. But every time my phone lights up, I do hope it’s you; texting to tell me everything I want to hear.

But it never is…

If only I knew the right words to say. If only I had the strength to walk away…

Don’t waste you’re time on me, your already the voice inside my head…

love someone

 

Three little words…”I miss you.”

I was going to be strong. I was going to tell you how mad I was. I was going to draw a line, and not cross it.

We aren’t done yet, not by a long shot. Our story is much bigger than this. But I wonder if I will look back at this as a memory or a lesson…

You are so much a part of me…I can’t let go that easily.

I still love you, and I think I always will. I can still smell you on me; and feel your hands all over me. If I had one wish, I’d wish for that to never go away.

I’m not calling you a liar, just don’t lie to me. I’m not calling you a thief, just don’t steal from me. I’m not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me. And I love you so much, I’m gonna let you kill me. – Florence Welch

Good things coming ’round the corner

It’s getting easier. I don’t feel so much like I got the wind knocked out of me. I don’t feel like crying every second of the day.

But it’s still painful. My first instinct is still to text him.

In the last 2 days, I’ve had so many opportunities open up, and I feel excited at the thought of what’s to come…I just wish I could share my joy with him.

Amazing things happening in my life right now

  • Job interview tomorrow morning for a position as a case manager working with families
  • Peace corps application received, and being placed under advisement for a 2 year term in the Philippines
  • The executive director at my work is giving everyone a bonus for Christmas, so I get an extra paycheck of close to $750
  • I have a coffee date set with a potential roommate for the apartment
  • My mom is gifting me a flat screen HD tv for my new apartment

I am SO beyond excited to kick 2015 in the ass as I look forward to all the amazing things in store for the next year.

More than anything, I want to share in my excitement with him. But even more than that, I want to show him how amazing I can really be, and all without his help…